all out

I'm telling YOU this now.
if I don't do so, I'd be facing mentally break down anytime. anywhere.
anyway this is not an earth-shattering secret.
everyone has their own problem, so do I.
everyone wished me happy sexy seventeen. glamour seventeen.
and they asked where you celebrate uhh?
had any fun?
I would just smile weakly in return :l
no high hope for this birthday..
and yeah, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE EXPECTED..
I was actually on the phone with my friend until 3 a.m.?
you scolded me and woke me up at 8 a.m.
well, it's okay, not the first time, I have been through this every weekends.
and yet your words never ends.
as usual you scolded me "wake up and study don't you know SPM is near "
"you should attend school today rather than having your good sleep on your bed"
deep deep inside of my heart, I hope that YOU will give me a peaceful day.
Or maybe just TODAY?
if you do so I appreciate that, it's more than enough.
I never had any sweet dreams.
can I decide to have fun rather than going to school on Saturday morning??
HEY, it's my birthday. I just want to have fun.
that's all. but it seems she's giving me a nightmare early in the morning..
and yeah, GREAT, as her wish, I rejected all my friends for outing and 247 stayed in my own sweet room.
NO TV. NO COMP.
lifeless birthday ever.
I was trapped in my own room and waiting for the time to fly just like that, without studying or doing something else.
I seriously feel like dying at that time.
never mind, I accepted it after a moment.
CAUSE MY LIFE IS ALREADY USED TO SUCH SITUATION.
I just have to overcome it, that's all.

STOP pretending how well you know me,
you just recognise me just from my outside. my appearance. my attitude.
deep inside, YOU know nothing about me.
not a single thing.
both of you can insult me from time to time
throwing harsh words towards me again and again
what I do will always be wrong
TILL NOW I NEVER EVER say a single word.
cause I know is just another fucking speech.
my heart is colder than ice since two years ago..
when you say something that really hurt me, you successfully leave a deep scar in me..
congrats..
I will never ever forget that in my life.
that particular day. those words. the way you spoke to me.
thanks for that. because of YOU, I'm already used to it.
again again and again, you will always compare me with him/she or whoever it is.
and you always want me to be like them.
are you happy IF I compare you with others?
MAYBE I should do so, then you will know how i feel deep inside of my heart.
but it will never happen.
cause I still know what is right and wrong.
I still respect you no matter how.
you can just tell them how much you want them instead of me.
I don't mind seriously, my life WILL definitely be BETTER!
I'm a human.
I'm not a perfect girl.
or I should say nothing is perfect.
you could only see imperfectly perfect! person in this world.
I'm not a foolish little girl.
I wont spill out all this without thinking the consequences.
but after all, this is what i want to say..
I'm just me. myself. and this is my life.
I don't need to follow others.
I don't wanna be.
I'm not lost. I know what m I doing.
you said I'm independent. YEAH, indeed, I'm one.
so, I will get what I want by myself, not from you.
for example, just like what I have own now, all by myself =)
you asked me for zillion times what I want to be after my SPM.
and I never ever want to answer you.
cause you already started insulting me before i told you.
so, what's the point of telling?
give you another chance to insult. tease me?
HELL NO!
both of you want me to study IT so badly after SPM.
I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU, NO MEANS NO!
you don't even let me to touch the computer for a second and you want me to study IT??
PLEASE, stop all your bullshitts!
even though sometimes I use the computer just to search some information that had to be done and pass it up in a short period of time, you will just let me use for a moment. after that you will start saying stop playing the computer, bla bla bla so on and on..
you will never like me hanging out with friends. go for a movie or do some window shopping with them.
cause you always think that it's a waste of time and money.
so every single time I would just hide the truth from you and when you found out, I'm gonna have a great day.
HELLO, I'm just having my sweet seventeen!
every teenagers did that!
you know how stubborn I m
you know I will never obey you [mostly]
you chose to treat me this way, what can I do?
I just have to react this way as well.
even friends of yours asked you to change the way you speak to me.
change the way you treat me..
but I know, it'll never happen.
Obviously..
I'm just a pathetic little bird that have no freedom at all.
I'm not your robot.
I don't obey each and everything things that you tell me to do so..
I'm a human that have emotions..
so please don't screw me up without any reasons, control your emotion, many people can tell that well!
you can easily see through my emotions through my face expression.
no doubt, my tears will come down easily.
but yet sometimes you will never know until i burst it out!
another thing which I really have to say is, I really hate it that both of you are so damn* pantang.
why are you both so concern about what people say but not yourself???
please don't ever pull me down with you.
you are just too attached with that stupid bomoh thingy or whatever thing it is.
YOU KNOW WELL, that I won't believe this kinda stupid stuff. some dirty spirit..
but you're still doing it and asking for some bullshyit answer from them about my exam and so on..
for me, it's just a dirty way and that particular person is telling you some dirty little secret of mine.
I still remember one of the incident that happened years ago, I actually went with you all.
and that particular person say that deep inside of my heart I'm trying to get away from my house.
indeed, I though of that.
but you know what, there's always a reason!
and ya, few days ago you told me that particular person say I will not do well in this coming exam and of course my SPM.
WTF.
is like 64 days to go.
how you know idiot.
you said that particular person gave you an unconvincing look and teased me that I'm not gonna do well.
unless I got to really study hard. cause my memory is bad.
I know myself pretty well. I know I have a bad memory.
so ya, of course I will be scared when I hear that.
but I just have to figure out by myself.
overall, it's just so not TRUE !
I WILL DO WELL =) you idiot.



** sorry for this long and sensitive post.
there is just too much to express.

=) have a nice day.
will update my birthday post SOON.
BE WITH ME =)

with love, lil worm.